Lost Worlds
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Life as a GP can be tough, but here’s Professor Candid with some handy tips to help you get through the day.
GP TIP #305: If you see a complicated patient with multiple intertwined health issues, then don’t think about charging anything other than a 23.
GP TIP #315: When in doubt, charge a 23.
GP HACK #457: Always plan your escape route. It can be a zipline, a tunnel or a Scooby-Doo secret door.
GP HACK #732: If you have a void in your life, try filling it with gin.
GP TIP #35: If you’re stuck in a rut, try doing something completely different. Why not spend the night at IKEA, hidden in a fake Swedish jewel apartment pretending your name is Anders Jonas Ångström. The next morning, when the lights come back on and the staff find you reclining in a swivel chair, smoking a pipe in a cashmere sweater, I guarantee you’ll have a very different outlook on life.
GP HACK #567: Life is short and everything dies. It’s a very useful quote – pin it on your wall and reference its wisdom throughout the consultations.
GP HACK #217: Keep a shoebox full of wasps available on your desk. When you’ve had enough, remove the lid and run out of the room.
GP TIP #21: Keep your face straight. If a patient tells you they’ve had a bad weekend and want all known orifices cleaned, including the throat, anus, nose, and vagina, it’s important to remain expressionless. Don’t make the face you would if someone had just asked you to smell their armpits.
GP TIP #329: Remember, you are not here to judge. Except when you are.
GP HACK #6211: Never laugh at a patient. If they tell you they were accidentally baptized by 7th-day Adventists or they need a replacement diazepam script because an opossum stole the original, or they don’t believe in science because “you can prove anything with facts, can’t you doc”, don’t laugh!
GP HACK #212: Not being able to see through your otoscope because it’s clogged with years of other people’s earwax is a badge of honor. Not being able to hear anything through your stethoscope because it’s clogged with your own earwax is equally honorable.
GP HACK #322: You may think GPs are young, impressionable and eager to learn from you. Do not be mistaken ! They are here to take exams and pay their mortgage. They don’t want you telling them they have to keep a box of wasps in their bedroom and spend the night locked in IKEA.
